The Man Code

The man code.

Its an elusive thing.  Its not written down.  Yet it has such a grip over so many men.  Its a code of rules that guys think they must abide by to earn their right to have a penis.  If a guy doesn't abide by it, then any number of unutterable things may happen to him.  He may lose respect from his fellow guys, he may lose his edge among the ladies, worst of all, he may lose his manhood.

Its easy to breakdown the man code.  Here are the basics you must follow:

1) Only care about yourself, to care for others is to show weakness.  (One exception, you may care for a girl, as long as she is hot, and as long as you are doing it with the longterm expectation of sexual compensation)

2) Never, ever, use your brain.  To think critically about anything is to be feminine.  Make sure to state your opinions loudly and obnoxiously.  (If anyone says anything smart, don't try to understand it, just zone out then grunt as loud as you can to draw attention back to numero uno)

3) Don't reveal any emotion that may make you appear weak and/or sensitive.  In other words don't ever cry.  Anger is only allowed if its over a girl, or your favorite sports team.  Only be happy in a controlled fashion, you wouldn't want to accidentally slip into feminine behavior after all...that would be the end of the world.

4) Following up number 3, make sure to act like you don't care.  This is the general rule for behavior.  You must appear unconcerned about anything that does not immediately affect you.  This is necessary to keep up the egocentric/dumb persona that you are striving to achieve. (If necessary, let your mouth hang slightly open and keep your eyes fixed in a blank stare to indicate how bored you are by everything except your penis.)

5) Whenever you are around guys only talk about sports/sex.  Interest in any other topic will instantly kill any man points you had from the other 4.  In fact, it will probably undo all your progress.  Make sure to talk about women as if they are objects, and never indicate too much attachment to any particular woman, to do so would be to admit that you are loyal and won't cheat, which is heretical to the man code.

6) Be a douche bag.  This is probably the most important rule, and as long as you obey this one, I guarantee you will get the other 5 without even trying.

If you cannot live up to this list, then I am sorry, you will be forever banished from all things manly.  You will be forced to get good grades in school.  You will be forced to not impregnate and ditch women with your children.  You will be forced to focus on other goals besides getting laid.  You will be forced to be a successful and responsible human being.

Therefore get to work right now on being an irresponsible, reckless, egocentric douche bag before its too late to turn things around!